


Pink + White

by death13



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, F/M, Swearing, a few inappropriate jokes, fluff if you squint, y/n hits the juul
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-31
Updated: 2020-01-31
Packaged: 2021-02-25 16:06:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22498786
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/death13/pseuds/death13
Summary: You're Shiratorizawa's resident mean girl. Satori thinks that's hot.
Relationships: Tendou Satori/Reader
Comments: 5
Kudos: 75





	Pink + White

It's not like Semi isn't used to Tendou's often brain damage-inducing rants about cute girls. No, that's not the case at all. If he has to be completely honest with himself, it's a ritual. Usually, Tendou finds himself marveling at actresses that he'll never meet in real life. 

The hormonal teenager has found a new target for his praises, however, and Semi isn't exactly giddy to find out that it's _you_. This isn't a case of a weak man being afraid of a successful woman, not at all. You're just—

"And I was like, _that was it_. We had to kill Sayaka. There was no other way." Speak of the devil, is this your voice he's hearing in the corridor right now? 

Akehoshi Ayano doesn't look particularly impressed with your explanation while Fujino Shuji is concerningly encouraging about your apparent violent urges. (You often claim that you don't have said violent urges.)

"Would you seriously kill someone for wearing the same outfit as you to a party?"

"Damn girl, why are you interrupting my story?" You give an exaggerated eye roll. "Do you want me to start from the beginning so you can understand the seriousness of this situation?"

"No, no, I understand completely, it's very serious," Akehoshi replies through a tight smile.

Tendou lets out a dreamy sigh after he catches a glimpse of your deranged conversation with your groupies. Well, Fujino is your groupie. Semi isn't sure what Akehoshi is trying to get out of you, though.

"I don't see what you see in her," Semi comments unhelpfully.

"Hell yeah, you better not. I'll try to win her over."

Semi stares at him emptily. He can't verbally explain how much of a bad idea this is.

"I'm not hearing a no."

"Didn't think you needed to hear me say it."

Tendou shrugs nonchalantly at his friend's reluctance. He didn't ask for Semi to judge him, he had his conscience for that. "I wonder if she ended up killing Sayaka for real? I'd help her hide the body."

"Are you mentally concerned?" 

"I think you mean challenged. Or maybe cornered," Tendou corrects him breezily and with a flamboyant snap of his fingers, Semi's thesis is canceled. Over. Semi isn't sure if his wrong wording is more important than his friend's willingness to be a hypothetical accomplice to a murder, but he's far too tired to argue anymore.

"How will you, you know, do 'it'?" 

"Hide the body? Well, I think the best course of action is burning it and then burying the ashes very deep underground, but I don't know if I have the resources for that." Tendou's answer is a bit too proud considering the contents of his slightly-not-so-slightly psychopathic speech.

"No idiot! How are you gonna win her over?!"

"Why are you saying 'it' in air quotes like a creep? And they say _I'm_ a weirdo," Tendou delivers yet another flawless argument. Semi would say he's awed by how successful his friend is in making him look like the dumbass in every conversation they have, but that'd be a big ass lie. "Anyways, watch this."

Semi offers nothing more than yet another vacant expression, his lips settling into a thin line and his eyes slightly agape as if he's unnerved. He might as well be—Tendou Satori trying to win a spot in [L/n] [Y/n]'s heart sounds like nothing more than bad news, especially if neither of them is sure if she actually possesses one.

* * *

Tendou Satori never was and never will be someone you regard as a person of importance. You don't remember how you know his name. You think he's on the lacrosse team, but you're not sure. 

You give him a slightly curious look. He doesn't look nervous at all, but you're just getting the vibe that he's going to do something stupid. Something that you'll probably make him regret. Perhaps you're a vibe reader because you turn out to be right.

"Hey girl, you need any reading recommendations?"

"Are you saying I can't read, you stupid flop?" you seethe at him as he continues grinning at you. He looks somewhat turned on by your reply, but you only cross your arms and ignore his starry-eyed expression.

Tendou is slightly amused by your accusation. "If I didn't think you can read why would I be giving you recommendations?"

You try to hold back your violent urges. No one can know about them, after all! And so, you give him a chance to save this situation before he manages to aggravates you further. "Alright, what's your recommendation?"

He clears his throat and grandiosely slips his bag over his shoulder before rummaging through it. You've heard that he's a bit special, but you didn't ever imagine experiencing it first hand. Tendou then takes out a comic book that you assume is a manga and you're slightly offended that he thinks you're some kind of virgin like him. 

"What's that?"

"It's called Princess 69," he explains, his tone almost demanding your approval. Had you not been the alpha in this interaction, you might've given in out of fear. 

He flippantly opens the book and you look over his shoulder, your otherwise smug visage crumbling with fear as you see the contents of this thing he had the nerve to imply you might like. You feel your eye twitching involuntarily (it's always the left one, you note absentmindedly) and just before a shrill scream of indignation is about to escape your lips, you're somehow more dumbfounded than before.

Tendou slaps that shit closed like he just got burned from seeing a few panels. "Damn, what the fuck is this? I probably should've read it before showing it to you."

You could find comfort in the fact that at least he didn't genuinely like it. But like, what the fuck is wrong with him? Why would he be showing you torture porn? You've never even talked to him before.

"I'm sorry, I just thought that the title Princess 69 is funny," he informs you, though he is not laughing.

"Do I look like I'm having fun?" 

"You kind of look constipated." Well, at least he's honest. Not that this helps his case at all. 

He throws the offensive object back into the depths of his backpack. God knows how much rotten sandwiches and mold he has in there, but that's another story for another time. No amount of penicillin allergy reactions will stop his voyage for love! 

You storm off, that unnerving, soulless smile still on your face. Tendou coos. Step one was a success for sure. He's quick to brag to Semi about how you have a soft spot for him now without a doubt; I mean, he's never seen you smile at someone for that long. 

Semi is quick to give him a reality check during lunch. "I doubt it was that easy. What'd you do anyway?"

"I showed her Princess 69."

"Ew, is that your sex log or something?"

"My what now? God Semi, you're a pervert."

In the middle of their conversation, you strut into the cafeteria along with your two closest friends. You seem to be dramatically reenacting some sort of traumatic event. Tendou briefly wonders what could make you so distressed, he did see you an hour or so ago and you seemed fine after all. How much could happen in an hour?

The only thing Semi hears is you whining to Fujino, who seems totally on board with your antics. "And I thought, this was it. I've had it. We have to kill Tendou."

* * *

"Wait, are you seriously going to murder Tendou?" Akehoshi asks, mildly concerned. Well, she doesn't care if she can help seeing that bastard every day but still, that's a bit too extreme. Also, she doesn't want to get in trouble for sneaking around in the gym when she's not supposed to.

"I mean. I gave you my perfectly logical explanation in the form of a Google Docs checklist of the pros and cons and a dramatic reenactment of his sins during lunch," you remind her with way too much confidence.

"Damn, time flies by when you have a gas leak in your house," Fujino comments. You're not sure how this is related to anything but make it a point to ignore him as you always do.

"You have a gas leak?"

"We're doing the movie night at my house tonight I guess," you command more than you offer with obvious disgust in your voice. "Wait eww, is that contagious?"

"What? The gas leak?" Akehoshi questions your intelligence sometimes. 

"If he comes to my house will it start leaking too? Oh no, I'm so scared!"

"[L/n], that's not possible—"

"[L/n]-chan, why are you holding my water bottle while no one's in here except for your creepy friends? Are you trying to steal my spit and clone me?!" A familiar voice calls you out on your insane and asinine behavior. Not that you're either of those things, of course, but haters are always jealous and running their mouths. 

"Of course. I totally wasn't trying to give you explosive diarrhea for showing me that awful hentai by putting laxatives in your water or something. That is SO not my style."

"Oh, but it is," Akehoshi whispers through an uptight grimace.

"Shut up and play along."

You hand him his bottle back and he eyes it suspiciously before pouring the liquid all over the floor. Merciless. Damn it, he saw right through your flawlessly-delivered lies. "Oh, you're clever, I don't like you."

"Girl, you're acting like a lunatic," Tendou compliments you earnestly or at least he thinks he does. You've never been more offended in your life. I mean, you, a lunatic? In what universe?

"Hey man, back off. Complimenting [L/n] on being morally deficient is _my_ thing." Fujino is also quick to intervene.

"Shut the fuck up! I'm not morally deficient, nor a lunatic and I _definitely_ don't have anger issues—"

Akehoshi, as always, interrupts your speech with unneeded commentary. You wonder why you put up with her. "No one said anything about anger issues."

"I mean, you just put laxatives in my water, you're a nutjob—"

"I'll make sure to invite you to a party and put sedatives in your lean, lacrosse boy!"

Tendou is happy at the thought of you inviting him to a party and confused about the assumption that he drinks lean. I mean, there's no way he comes across as that kind of guy, right? But something about the term lacrosse boy sticks with him the most. "I don't play lacrosse, why do you say that?"

"You don't?"

"[L/n], we're in the volleyball gym," Akehoshi pipes up again. You bite down the urge to verbally assault her and her dead trim just for the fact that she's one of your best friends. 

"[L/n]-chan," he pokes himself in the eye in order to draw tears, "you wound me!"

Fujino watches the strange interaction between the two of you with twisted satisfaction. With one swift motion, he pulls Akehoshi to the side and begins whispering in her ear. She can't help thinking his breath smells bad but, hey, you can't blame a guy when he's having a gas leak in his house, right? 

"They're both insane! They're the perfect couple."

"I thought you liked [L/n]?"

"Yeah, and I want her to be happy." The girl beside him is slightly touched by the sentiment. However, she knows for a fact that you'd never be as selfless as he is, which sours her mood again instantly, along with the apparent gas leak business.

"I don't think she likes that guy very much though," is what she settles on saying instead.

* * *

After your failed assassination attempt, you move on with your life. You win some and you lose some and though you're most definitely a winner, your victory streak has to end. Even someone as deluded as yourself is aware of this.

Entering the classroom, you feel like you forgot about something. Oh yeah, your homework. No biggie, you can always copy it from someone. As if sensing your dilemma, Tendou rushes to your aid. "Hey, did you do your homework?"

"No."

"Damn girl, you're a baddie."

You don't dignify him with an answer, opting to turn around and ask someone else instead. Unfortunately for you, a notebook is hastily dropped on your desk and Tendou tells you to 'get on with it or something'. 

You take it in your hands and simply observe the cover. It's some mildly erotic shot of an actress you recognize briefly from some stupid movie you probably clowned on during movie night. It might not even be that bad, but you hardly enjoy anything that's not 'What Not to Wear'.

But like, what's with that guy and naked women? Does he need a therapist?

With a wise thought ("Whatever, homework's homework") you accept his help and decide to keep your complaints about his interests and past times to yourself for once. In search of the godforsaken math homework, you flip open to a page that has your name scribbled in a heart and nothing else. 

"Tendou, what's that?" You think it's lame. Cheesy. Corny. And well, all you know about him is the fact that he has Princess 69 somewhere hidden on one of the higher shelves in his house right now, so you're not exactly ecstatic. 

"Oh god, _what_ is that? Looks like you have a secret admirer, [L/n]."

You've had people lie to your face before, it's nothing new. You've lied to people's faces many times as well (and sometimes behind their backs, but that's SO not the point right now). However, never has something so unashamed and blatant happened to you. You kind of stare at him, but you neither deny nor confirm his theory. 

"I guess I do," you say instead. Then you proceed with copying the equations in your own (non-naked-woman-oobified) notebook. 

* * *

The next time you see Tendou is at the dentist. He flops down next to you casually, faking a yawn and putting his arm over your shoulder. You shrug him off easily before he can even get the chance to say something idiotic. "Hey, what brings you here?"

"A cavity," you tell him dryly.

"Really? How come?"

"What else would I be doing at the dentist?" you say a bit snappily. Dental care FTW.

He grins at you obnoxiously, as he often does, before dropping the bombshell. "Well _me personally_ , I'm going to get grillz."

"...Why?" You cringe.

"Well, I lost a bet."

"You know what I don't even want to know." You smile sweetly at him before you notice that the woman who was before you in line is walking out of the room. Your dentist motions you to come in and you turn towards your classmate again. "Oh look, conveniently, it's my turn to go in. But please don't get grillz, you'll look like a rap reject."

You later find out that Tendou lied and he had to get a tooth taken out that day. You're not sure where he was going with this.

* * *

Today has been a horrible day. Just as you're about to write yet another passive-aggressive subtweet, cussing out your fake bitch friends who forgot about your birthday, your mourning is interrupted by your ringtone itself.

You get a call from an unknown number. Staring at the unfamiliar digits, if you were a more rational person, you would've probably denied the moment you saw that it's missing a contact. However, the truth is that you answer unknown numbers more often than people you actually know. So, you regretfully press the green button.

"Help, there are hoes outside my house!?"

"What? Who's this?"

"[Y/n], it's Tendou. Beep. There are hoes outside my house. Beep. Over."

"First off stop roleplaying a walkie-talkie, second off how did you get my number?"

"Oh, Fujino said that you wanted to talk to me but were too shy," he explains dumbly. Your eye twitches again and you decline the call after those words leave his mouth. You have some serious verbal abuse to put Fujino through for that. What a traitor, to make up a lie like that and tarnish your reputation. You briefly consider identifying as aplatonic after this betrayal.

As you contemplate this pressing issue, you receive another phone call by Tendou that you ignore. You were planning to have a birthday party and everything but your imbecilic friends ruined that for you, your life is over. Lost in your rage, you pick up one of Tendou's incessant calls.

"What the fuck does 'there are hoes outside my house' _mean_?" you scream to relieve some stress.

He seems exaggeratedly anxious as if trying to convince you of something. "Your friends, Fujino and the other one with the crazy eyes, they're throwing rocks at my windows. Please get them away from me, please, please, pretty please with shit on top."

"I don't care." You're rolling your eyes despite being acutely aware of the fact that he can't see you right now. Despite not being sure of whether he's lying or not, if what he's saying is for some ungodly reason true, you'd become even madder. What are they doing in front of Tendou Satori's house instead of celebrating your birthday with you?

"Please come, I'll text you my address and let you beat all of us up. I'm desperate and there are hoes outside my house."

"I feel like you won't stop harassing me until I say yes," you point out with a sigh.

He gasps with a newfound optimism. "Absolutely not. Dropping you the addy right now."

"EWWW! Don't say addy."

"Shut up, I heard you saying 'the gram' instead of Instagram the other day," Tendou counters.

You get annoyed again. "I was just singing Roxanne. You know, like, Roxanne, Roxanne, all she wanna do is party all night. What, is my angelic voice not to your liking?"

"Normie cringe."

* * *

When you arrive to the preset destination, you're quick to notice that there are no hoes outside of Tendou's residence. You feel a bit stupid for believing him but decide to knock on the door anyway. You're all dressed up, it's your birthday and you can bully him to make yourself feel a bit better about the ordeal. 

The door opens only to reveal the scary outline of Tendou's silhouette and... not much else. His house was suspiciously dark and before you could question his sanity (though he had been polite to not do the same to you too often), you're pulled inside the darkness. The house suddenly lights up and you're surprised to see a fair share of familiar faces from both your school and acquaintances from outside.

They all obnoxiously scream out 'Happy Birthday, [L/n]!' and you let out a little smile at that.

"I organized this all by myself," Tendou brags, gesturing grandiosely, while everyone else starts mingling among themselves now that the birthday party has officially started. "What do you think?"

"Whatever, you have a Juul right?"

"Yeah."

"Can I hit it?"

"Oooh, indirect kiss. You may," he confirms, a bit too excited. Despite being grateful, you still cringe. And you'd never admit that anyway.

("Wait. If you organized this, does that mean that my friends didn't forget my birthday after all?"

"Nah, they totally forgot. Thank god for Twitter."

You let out an obnoxious scream at that.)

* * *

Semi is, well, embarrassed. It's not unlike Tendou to ask him to do things that could either endanger him or in more mild cases, make him not want to show up to school the next day. This didn't fall in either category—it's a bit too personal but at the same time so, _so_ lame.

He approaches you gingerly and then backs away. But then, when he throws a look over his shoulder, he can see his friend making cut-throat gestures at him as if sensing his hesitancy. That's the moment Semi finds himself standing in front of you and your two groupies. 

"Hey, you were at the party last night," Akehoshi remarks with disinterest. You look up from your phone when she acknowledges him and raise a perfect brow up in question.

"Hi." He's not used to squealing, really. Not that he's afraid or intimidated, rather he's too ashamed of what he's about to say. "Say, [L/n], how do you feel about Tendou?"

You squint your eyes in long, hard thought. How do you feel about him? Well he's a bit deranged and weird, but he could also be nice and his constant need to impress you could be endearing on the days when your session with the anger management therapist had gone smoothly.

And he's persistent enough that in the matter of a few months you'd gone from strangers to someone you unwillingly talk to on a day-to-day basis. Through trial and error, he has managed to force himself into your schedule. "He's... my friend I guess. Why?"

"Oh, um. I don't know. Well, you know, I'm his best friend even though he calls my clothes ugly so I'm just looking out for him," he replies, trying not to be suspicious.

"Okay...?"

"Bye," he declares loudly before leaving to report to Tendou. Upon receiving the good news, his friend exclaims: 'Oh now this is epic'.

* * *

"Basically this is the story of how I became friends with [L/n] [Y/n]," Tendou explains. 

Ushijima closes his eyes and walks away. Semi rolls his eyes; he totally wasn't such a bitch during this annoying period of his life, Tendou must be recalling incorrectly. Goshiki nods in fake excitement. Shirabu shrugs. "This must be the Mandela effect 'cause I don't remember asking."

"Yeah, so I'm going to ask her out before we go to nationals. And then she can cheer me on!"

"Good luck, you can do it! ...?" Goshiki exclaims. Though at first, he's certain in his words, his facade quickly crumbles and a look of confusion overcomes his face.

Tendou bows dramatically, now overconfident in his ability to woo women. At least he was self-aware enough to admit that he's a bit delusional when it comes to his flirting skills during his retelling of the past. "Thank you, thank you. I'll forever be based."

...

He never got to ask you out.


End file.
